27. What Am I Feeling?

Friend: What emotion are you feeling in this moment?

(I think earnestly for a few silent minutes.)

Me: I’m feeling ambivalence. Neutrality.

Friend: So…no emotion.

Me: Yes.

(Both erupt in laughter.)

This recent exchange left me reflecting on the question:

What am I feeling?

Try for yourself: What emotion are you experiencing in this moment?

If you’re anything like me, it’s not that easy to answer.

When I notice stress hormones flooding my system, I’ve learned to practice labeling my emotional experience. Naming the anxiety, fear, and embarrassment as such has become a relatively straightforward process. My body leaves some not-so-subtle clues for me to pay attention to. In doing so, I become more intimate with my feelings and—as Brené Brown says in this fantastic podcast episode with Glennon Doyle—more able to discern what to sit in rather than what to get out of.

However, when my body is quiet, it’s been much trickier to pinpoint my feelings. In stillness, my internal monologue grows louder, and I doubt whether what I’m feeling is actually what I’m feeling. That wishy-washiness is how I land on “I’m feeling neutral”.

Of course there are times when I’m really not feeling any which way or the other. But I’m sure there are also plenty of moments where “I’m feeling neutral” reflects that I’m not accustomed to paying attention to my subdued emotional states.

I desire to become more intimate with all my feelings, not only the heightened ones.

So even when alarm bells aren’t ringing, I want to practice naming what I’m feeling. Ultimately, this is all part of developing my relationship with all aspects of myself: my heart, body, brain, and intuition.

With greater emotional self-awareness, I can better caretake myself and better serve others.