47. Needs
Last week, my therapist helped me follow a train of thought down to the depths of my underlying needs.
I don’t know whether my partner’s friends know about me.
That makes me feel unsettled.
Because if I don’t exist to his friends…
Then I don’t exist to him.
What began as a casual observation turned into a full-on archaeological dig. And I’m always up for some inner excavation.
My therapist asked, “What need do you feel isn’t being met?”
All parts of ourselves have needs. We may not always articulate or admit them, but our needs are always there, subconsciously informing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Unmet needs can manifest as frustration, resentment, fear, general anxiety…you get the idea.
In this case, the part of me that needs 1. to feel important in my partner’s life, and 2. to feel like my partner is proud of me, felt threatened.
My soul-centered self knew this wasn’t the truth—I was projecting the way I express importance and pride onto him. Not to mention, my needs are tied to my past. They have nothing to do with my partner. Yet, the uncertainty of my existence to his friends still made me feel like these needs weren’t being met.
Turns out, it’s totally human to have needs. And it’s okay to seek reassurance.
My therapist went on to talk about attachment theory—John Bowlby’s theory of how humans form patterns of emotional bonding in relationships. When we communicate our needs and seek/provide reassurance, we create security in our primary attachment which allows for greater autonomy in all areas of our lives. It seems counterintuitive, but the more we express and have our needs met, the more free we feel to courageously venture out. As they say, the deeper our roots, the taller we grow.
Logically, I got it. But it was (and is) tricky to internalize. Even after gaining this clarity, the strong, independent, self-assured part of me was afraid that seeking reassurance to pacify my inherent “neediness” meant I was weak and insecure. Heaven forbid. Fortunately, my soul-centered self again knew this wasn’t the truth.
After therapy, I shared my needs with my partner and asked for reassurance on those areas of insecurity. It was a beautiful conversation that further strengthened our bond. With this awareness, in moments of disconnection or conflict, we can check in with ourselves and each other about if it’s related to a need that we feel isn’t being met. We can’t take away those needs, but we can make each other feel safe.
Still, most of us haven’t had much practice naming our needs, me included. And we can’t ask for what we need if we don’t know what we need.
I came across this wonderful Needs Inventory by the Center for Nonviolent Communication in a HuffPost article on how to figure out your unmet needs. The list provides language for better understanding your own needs as well as the needs of others.
Refer to the Needs Inventory below and ask yourself:
What do I need in this moment, this relationship, this job, this lifetime?
Dig deeper and deeper until you unearth your unmet needs.
Needs Inventory
The following list of needs is neither exhaustive nor definitive. It is meant as a starting place to support anyone who wishes to engage in a process of deepening self-discovery and to facilitate greater understanding and connection between people.
CONNECTION
acceptance
affection
appreciation
belonging
cooperation
communication
closeness
community
companionship
compassion
consideration
consistency
empathy
inclusion
intimacy
love
mutuality
nurturing
respect/self-respect
safety
security
stability
CONNECTION cont.
support
to know and be known
to see and be seen
to understand and
be understood
trust
warmth
PHYSICAL WELL-BEING
air
food
movement/exercise
rest/sleep
sexual expression
safety
shelter
touch
water
HONESTY
authenticity
integrity
presence
PLAY
joy
humor
PEACE
beauty
communion
ease
equality
harmony
inspiration
order
AUTONOMY
choice
freedom
independence
space
spontaneity
MEANING
awareness
celebration of life
challenge
clarity
competence
consciousness
contribution
creativity
discovery
efficacy
effectiveness
growth
hope
learning
mourning
participation
purpose
self-expression
stimulation
to matter
understanding
*(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org
Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Phone: +1.505-244-4041