13. Past Lives
CW: This post will mention past life and sexual trauma.
Two months ago, past lives were nowhere near my realm of experience or understanding. I had a vague sense that others had past life experiences. And I had an unexplored curiosity about reincarnation. But never could I have imagined what was to come.
Spirit Guides and Archetypes
The idea that we each have guides, ancestors, angels looking out for us wasn’t a totally foreign concept. I’ve grown up with my mom talking about meeting her guardian angel, Archangel Michael. However, I’d never had a first-hand experience.
So in my first hypnotherapy session in December, I wanted to meet one of my spirit guides. During the hypnotic trance portion of the session, a name came to me: Julia. But when I looked up the meaning of Julia after, I found that it was the name given to women in the Roman patrician family Julii Caesares (i.e. Julius Caesar and the like)—which didn’t really make sense to me at the time.
Another element of my hypnotherapy work has been exploring Jungian archetypes like the inner child, inner mate, inner mother, and inner father—whose energies I can tap into and harness. In my third session at the end of January, I met my inner mother, who was a brunette woman wearing a crown. Afterwards, I realized that perhaps this woman wearing the crown was my spirit guide Julia—given the whole Imperial Roman connection. When I told my friend about this connection the next day, he immediately said, “I think she’s one of your past lives.”
Past Life Regression
The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But since I’m in a very open, exploratory space, I found a past life regression recording on the Insight Timer app and listened to it the next morning. Past life regression is a technique that uses hypnosis to retrieve and re-experience past life memories. Even in this 30-minute guided meditation, I had an unexpectedly profound and visceral experience in the body of this woman Julia. First, I saw what clothes I was wearing, the room I was in, the view outside. Then, when the guided voice asked me what lessons I was there to learn, I immediately had a physical fear response in my present day body. I felt naked and exposed. My heart started racing. My breathing sped up. Next thing I knew, tears were falling from my eyes. Moments later, I knew what was happening. I was on a bed and a naked man—my husband—was on top of me. I was screaming “No!” on the inside, but on the outside I knew I had a duty and obligation to do whatever he wanted. It felt like a memory.
I went in with no expectations, and I came out with a deep sense of knowing. Quieting all my “logical” brain skepticism and doubt, glimpses of that trauma affirmed my feelings and experiences in this lifetime.
More Past Lives
A few days ago, I had a dedicated past life regression hypnotherapy session with a different practitioner. I was in a hypnotic trance for 2 hours, though it only felt like 30 minutes. The entire time, she was asking me questions about the life I was in, taking me through different scenes, and writing down nearly verbatim notes on everything I was saying. Here’s an overview of the 3 past lives I experienced in that sitting:
A 6-year-old black girl in suburban Tennessee in the 1950s. A distant uncle inappropriately touched her thigh when she was 12. She had a wonderful boyfriend at 18 who she then married at 25—they saved themselves for marriage. She studied and worked in law. She died in her mid 30s of cancer without children but with her devoted, adoring husband and family by her side.
Lessons: I’ve experienced true romantic companionship. Life can be joyful and fulfilling without having children. Dying isn't scary—while dying you’re thinking about others rather than yourself.A 26-year-old white, aristocratic, bisexual woman in England in the 1800s. She spent her days reading, riding horses, and enjoying the gardens—a simple, yet limited, life. She had a romantic relationship with her childhood female best friend, but she knew it wasn’t the time for them to be together. She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep when she was in her 80s or 90s—unmarried and alone, though having known love.
Lessons: This is all just one moment in time. I haven’t yet met that soul partner in this life, who may very well turn up as a man. I have the courage to love and be loved by whomever.A 19-year-old concubine in a 16th century Chinese palace. She had to be obedient, silent, and entertaining. Sex was a mindless, soulless, joyless job. She worked as a concubine until 29, then she managed the other younger concubines. Her most joyful times in the palace were when she was cooking. She died back in her home village in my 60s from flu or pneumonia. She never knew romantic love.
Lessons: Some of my present day discomfort with the male body isn't unfounded. There’s comfort in knowing that I’ve experienced a full spectrum of romantic/sexual connection in my past lives.
Now, if I hadn’t been experiencing this all first-hand, I’d be pretty darn skeptical. I’m sharing some pretty “out there” ideas. Still, I don’t feel the need to research for the historical accuracy, because I can garner truth from these lessons without that assurance.
I simply trust that my guides showed me what I need to know right now. It was like watching movies about me that are familiar, but that I haven’t fully experienced. There was a lot of information from the session that I’m still sitting with, but I’ve already identified connections between those lives and this one. Those past lives will now serve as guides for greater self-awareness and self-compassion in this life.