14. Self-Betrayal

Inside my head one week ago:

I think I want to redownload a dating app.

But I told myself I was done with them months ago. I said, “I’m not going to find the connection and intimacy I desire through that means.” Remember?

Am I resisting the desire to redownload because dating apps aren't aligned with my highest good? Or am I resisting only because I would be going back on my word?

Well, it’s not that black and white. But it feels hypocritical, almost like I’m betraying myself. I always go back and forth between deleting and downloading.

Aren’t I allowed to change my mind and evolve? I’m the only one holding me back. These arbitrary lines of expectation create an unhelpful box of self-confinement.

I guess I can always try on how it feels to use a dating app again, this time with more mindful awareness. And if it doesn’t feel right, then delete it. No harm done.

Exactly. This is an opportunity to practice checking in with the truth of what I’m experiencing. I would only be betraying my values if I didn’t honor my desire to seek growth and connection.

Inside my head yesterday:

It’s already 8:00 pm on Wednesday, and I haven’t written my blog post yet.

Wednesdays and Sundays are my days to write and post.

Okay I’ll start it. But now my friend is coming over, and we haven’t caught up in ages.

Hang out for a bit then return to writing.

It’s now 11:00 pm, and I’m having such a great time chatting that I want to be present in this moment.

You’ve been so good up until this point. How could you ruin that track record of consistency now?

Isn’t it interesting how I’m again feeling like a hypocrite for possibly betraying my own “rules”?

Inconsistency feels like I’m falling short of my own standards.

Humans are inconsistent. I am allowed to be inconsistent. Posting on Thursday instead of Wednesday is a blip. It isn’t a reflection of my value or worthiness.

Well, we shall see what happens.

Yes, we shall. And you know what? This fits in beautifully with what I was already reflecting on: the misleading imprisonment of self-betrayal.